I had a lot on my mind lately, and one of these is how, in recent years, I’ve felt unseen and unheard… It wasn’t okay. Until eventually, I was okay with the discomfort.
As humans, we have the natural need to be heard and seen. We long for affection, attention, and care. Some have been so overly receptive of all these that they lost themselves in the process. Others grow up with such a deep lack of care that it becomes a living trauma they carry as life progresses.
I am somewhere in the middle. I was raised unseen. It was evident in this story my mom never gets tired of retelling. Me being “The Wind” in our kindergarten graduation show, and how my late dad was aggravated. NOT because I wasn’t the lead. But because it is ridiculously difficult to dress your kid in a costume when she is tasked to be “The Wind.”
“Of all roles!” I remember him complaining. I just stared at them. Maybe I was too ordinary. Too insignificant to be seen as a person.
My opinions were also not valued in our patriarchal family, especially since I am the youngest of three. I was raised to keep quiet and obey. Respect the elders, always. They are always important. You’re the least. Somehow, that was engraved in me as a child, and it carried all the way through my teenage years.
Then I met Art.
Art came in the form of writing, theater, creating, and building. It gave me the freedom to be anyone I dreamed to be. No rules, no seniority concerns. Imagination was cloud-high. I was an artist outside of the home, or alone in my own room. It was the best feeling in the world.
I felt seen. I felt heard. I realized I actually had a voice. The stage felt like a platform where the audience was there, just to listen to this voice I had. I loved every bit of it.
Eventually I grew up, and everyone else did too. We became adults and had to face life. I learned that as we age, we are still yearning to be seen. Not just in our families or in society, but even in a simple coffee talk with a friend. We want to feel seen with a partner. We always want that slice of attention, even just a little bit of it.
People who know me may also wonder why I don’t go out as much anymore or show up the way I used to. I mean, I SHOW UP A LOT. For myself and for the people around me who matter. I used to show up for everyone.
They felt seen. They felt heard.
But when it was my time to talk, there was barely anybody interested. All of a sudden I was “The Wind” again, back in that kindergarten show. They only wanted the piece of me THAT LISTENED. Never the piece of me who wanted to talk, or share.
It wasn’t easy letting go of these people, especially because they were also closest to my heart. It wasn’t an overnight reflection. It was years of holding on. Good thing I let go. The holding on was exhausting.
From now on, whatever people offer me, I will mirror back. If you offer me kindness, I will do the same. If you offer me silence, my pleasure. I can be quiet too.
Same with relationships. My doctor friend and I once talked about this.
I have built this peaceful, thriving life without you… so now you want to be in it? Okay. Lay down your cards. Why do you want to be in it? What can you offer? What are you bringing to make my life better, or best? If you’re coming in, make sure I am heard and seen. It’s all I ever do for the people I love. I did it once for a lot of people, and I WAS ABUSED for it. I’m at the stage where I am tired, so I’m keeping things simple. You want to feel valued? You want to feel heard and seen? Sure. MAKE ME FEEL HEARD AND SEEN AS WELL. It’s not complicated rocket science.
Maybe because of the abundance of information we consume today and the gazillions of opinions thrown at us every day, our brains started perceiving love as complicated. It’s not. It’s really just this: you make me feel heard and seen, and I’ll do the same.
Family, friendships, romantic relationships. They all work the same way. We give love, care, and attention when we are also given the same.
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